For Guys

Men: Why You Should Treat Women Like Dogs

Posted by on Mar 10, 2016 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: Why You Should Treat Women Like Dogs

Why Men Should Treat Women Like Dogs: Thirteen Tips for a Great Relationship Men frequently tell me they don’t understand what women want from men. Since men and women often approach things very differently, and use different language, it can be difficult to communicate to a man, in his own terms, what a woman wants from a man. The man I’m involved with recently got a new puppy. He is a good doggie Dad. As I’ve been watching him with this new dog, it occurred to me that the keys to raising a dog well are remarkably similar to those for creating and maintaining a healthy, happy  romantic relationship. Now, of course, I’m not suggesting that men should think of women as “dogs.” Also, the truth is that a man may feel more committed to his dog than he does to his relationship. After all, a man usually gets a dog with the expectation that he will be with that dog for its entire life. He may not enter a romantic relationship with the same certainty or expectation. However, for as long as a man is in any particular relationship, many of the principles for making it successful are like the principles for raising dogs well. Here are a few of those essentials: Feed them every day, and make sure water is available to them all the time Pet them often and give them attention Give them treats, especially when they do something you appreciate- and sometimes just because it makes them wag their tails Never give more attention to other dogs than you do to your own Go on walks, get exercise, play together, and have some fun. Give them time to play with other dogs Be grateful they are there to greet you when you come home, and show them you’re happy to see them Speak to them in a friendly tone of voice most of the time – and make it short when you need to speak sternly Don’t make them wait too long when they need to get rid of doggie waste – you may not be happy with the results! Notice when they don’t feel good, and do something about it Don’t let anyone else take better care of them than you do Take them with you when you can, and go on road trips often When you leave, pet them and tell them when you’ll be back If a man treats his dog this way, he’ll have a happy, healthy, loyal, loving dog.   Ok, now let’s check out the parallels in relationship terms.   Feed them every day, and make sure water is available to them all the time A relationship, just like a dog, needs nourishment every day to thrive. You wouldn’t forget to feed your dog for several days, and expect it to be doing well when you finally came around, would you? Most dogs get fed twice a day. If a relationship receives nourishment at least once a day – and better yet, twice a day, morning and night, that gets you off to a good running start. So, what is “nourishment for a relationship? It can be simple – a kiss, a smile, a hug, a text, an email, or a phone call – making a connection that shows you care and gives her some idea of what is happening in your life. It doesn’t need to take a lot of time or even energy. It just means you are engaged and connected – and it can become part of a routine, like feeding your dog every morning and...

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Men: How to Succeed with the First Kiss

Posted by on May 15, 2014 in Blog, Featured, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Succeed with the First Kiss

People say the first kiss is important. And, I’m here to tell you they’re right! When and how you kiss a woman for the first time is a critical turning point – it can seal the deal – or be a total deal breaker. But the whole situation can be anxiety-producing for a guy. Everyone is afraid of rejection when they’re dating – everyone – it is part of the human condition. And as the guy, it’s usually understood that you will make the “move” for the first kiss. A guy is supposed to be smooth and confident and into the woman, but he’s also supposed to be respectful enough not to seem like a pushy creep. That’s not always such an easy balance to strike! So, cut yourself some slack about not being perfect, or knowing exactly what to do or when to do it.   What are some things that will help you know when and how to approach the first kiss? First of all, you need to know when NOT to kiss a woman. DON’T kiss a woman unless you’ve had some indication that she wants to be near you. Signs that a woman would like to be physically close to you include: Touching you on the arm or leg Leaning toward you Sitting near you Keeping her hand in yours if you take her hand Standing with her toes pointing toward you (yes, it sounds funny, but this is actually a good indicator!) Smiling at you a lot, laughing, tossing or fingering her hair, and generally looking like she’s enjoying being with you. And DON’T kiss a woman if she clearly and specifically goes to kiss you on the cheek – or offers her cheek for you to kiss her there – or goes to give you a hug. If you intercept her and “force” her to kiss you on the lips when she’s not ready, it will probably creep her out, and she may never want to kiss you or go out with you again. (This has happened to me. It can feel really intrusive, a little scary even, and GROSS!) So, what if she IS doing some or all of the things on the list above, that indicate she would like to be physical with you? Then should you kiss her? When? On the first date? Second date? End of the date only? During the date? Sometimes, if a woman really seems to like you, and you like her, it’s nice to give her a little kiss on the lips at the end of the first date, without putting big “moves” on her. This has happened to me a couple of times and I loved it – if I liked the guy. It showed that he liked and was into me, but wasn’t trying to race me into bed. And it showed he had some guts and self-confidence. Actually, it was totally charming and romantic.   But when should you go in for the “real” kiss – the sexy one. After the second date? There’s no rule to this. However, some women have told me that if a guy she’s interested in doesn’t try to kiss her by the second or at the latest third date she 1) thinks he doesn’t really like her that much and/or 2) loses respect for him. Other women have told me they don’t mind waiting several dates before things become physically romantic – or even a few weeks. So, women are obviously very different on this score. First, it’s important to be clear about your own style...

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Men: How to Deal with “Drama” – And, Why it Matters

Posted by on Apr 12, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Deal with “Drama” – And, Why it Matters

Gentlemen, don’t you hate it when a woman suddenly gets upset and acts hurt or angry? Maybe you find yourself saying “She is overreacting. She is blaming me. This is unfair and ridiculous. There is nothing I can do. I am f—-d. I hate this. This is going to ruin my evening. This is going to take forever to deal with…” Below are  some very simple steps to deal with the situation that get results, require the least amount of time and emotional energy, and have the best possibility for a good outcome. (Now, why is this important – also known as, “Why should you care?” or “What’s in it for you?” According to John Gray in Men are From Mars: Women are From Venus, the number one complaint that women have about men is that they don’t listen. And when a women is upset, that is perhaps the most important time for her to feel like her man is listening. And, according to John Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: “The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all.” Isn’t being able to resolve things when someone is upset an important aspect of friendship? And, practically speaking, don’t you think your lady is going to love on you really well if she feels like you listen to her when she’s upset?) So, here are the steps for dealing with a woman’s “drama:”   1. Adjust Your Attitude. First of all, if a mechanical device malfunctioned, you wouldn’t take it personally, would you? Sometimes emotions just get clogged up and you need to take time to unsnarl them a little before you can go on. If a toilet started to overflow, you wouldn’t argue with it saying “That’s ridiculous. You’re overreacting to what I put in there. You’re blaming me and I don’t like it. I don’t have time to deal with this….” No, you’d just deal with it. Backed up emotions can be the same way. So, deal with it.   2. Take the heat off yourself. Don’t worry about whether she thinks it’s your “fault” or not. Let go of the defensive posture, and take a deep breath.   3. Cut her some slack. If she’s upset, she is probably feeling insecure. You feel insecure sometimes too, right? Cut her a little bit of slack.   4. Listen, and try to understand things from her perspective.   All you need to do/say is “I am sorry you are feeling upset. Tell me what is going on. I am listening.” And then try to put yourself in her shoes for a few minutes. Even if where she’s coming from seems really foreign to you, try to understand it. Sometimes just by listening for a little while, you will defuse her bad feeling quickly. Please NOTE: You are not apologizing for anything – you are not saying you’ve done anything “wrong,” you are just listening. I think of the expression “That which you resist, persists.” If you assume you understand what she’s really upset about, and dismiss her feelings, you’ll probably add gasoline to the flame and create a bonfire or an explosion.   5. Get to the root of the issue. What she’s saying she’s upset about may not be the root of the issue – it might just have been the final thing...

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Men: How to Succeed on a Date with a Woman

Posted by on Apr 2, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Succeed on a Date with a Woman

Recently I received a marketing email from a dating coach about how a man can succeed with a woman on a date. I forwarded it to a man I know who is dating, who I feel presents himself very well, and asked  “What do you think of this?” He emailed back to say he thought it smelled like snake oil: a “fool-proof  system” that is only for fools. And he promised he’d tell me what he does when he’s on a date with someone he’s getting to know. So, we talked about it last night and he shared his approach, which makes a lot of sense to me in terms of what works and what doesn’t. Here’s what he recommends for early on in the dating process: Be relaxed. You can’t get to know someone, or help them get to know you, if you’re not relaxed and open. Be confident in yourself. You need to accept yourself as you are, and be authentic in how you present yourself. This means being straightforward, without playing mind games, or trying to manipulate or “trick” the other person somehow. Be comfortable in your own skin. Whether you’re a movie star – or not (as most of us aren’t), you need to feel comfortable with yourself in order to really connect with another person. Listen. What are the woman’s interests? What does she care about? How can you relate to that from what you are interested in and care about? Be curious. Build conversation from what she cares about, and from what she is saying in the moment. Make eye contact. Smile. Be present. This was the essence of what he said. Now, of course, he is someone who comes across as fundamentally accepting himself, seems generally pretty relaxed, laid back, confident, and comfortable in his own skin. He seems interested in other people, listens to them, and is a good communicator. And, from my perspective, these attributes – although incredibly important – are not always easy for a man to have, depending on his particular upbringing, experience, and history. My date also noted that if a man has trouble relaxing, does not feel confident or comfortable, or lacks good communication or conversational skills, doing some work on himself may be a good idea. (And I hope this Web site will help both men and women with these and other skills!) But attaining those attributes or skills is not some kind of “overnight quick fix – just follow these seven easy steps – add water and stir.” I’d like to add these things which are important to ME when I’m dating a man: I appreciate a man “taking charge” without “taking control.” More on that in a future blog post; Chivalry DOES matter – to me at least. See the blog post about that which is already up on this Web site; and The first kiss – when, where, how – IS, actually, quite significant. More on that in another blog post as well. I’d also like to be realistic. People get nervous on first dates – both men and women – so it seems to me it makes sense to give each other a chance – and not to expect perfect ease, confidence, relaxation, transparency, and authenticity on the first date. Realistically, both people need to get a feeling of whether someone new is worth or “safe” opening up to before showing all their cards. None of us wants to waste time or emotional energy. And noone enjoys rejection. So, guys, don’t bust yourself if you’re not completely, totally relaxed, funny, and...

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Gentlemen, Is Chivalry Dead?

Posted by on Mar 10, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Gentlemen, Is Chivalry Dead?

No. Nor is a woman’s desire for you to be chivalrous. So, what is ‘chivalry’ and what are some of the rules of the game? And why should you care anyway? The term was originally used to define the conduct of knights in the Middle Ages. Today it refers to how a man behaves  towards a woman to help her feel safe, considered, and taken care of – particularly when the two of them are out and about together in the world. These are things a woman wants to feel with you if she’s going to stick around with you. So, if you want to “get” anywhere with her beyond a first date, these are good points to know! Now, some people may think chivalry is old-fashioned –and some people even say these behaviors are sexist. As a woman, I don’t feel that way – and I think most women won’t – even if they are confident and smart. Here are some common expressions of chivalry. And depending on how you look at it, some of these are just good manners! Getting There If you’re meeting for the first time and have never met before, let her pick a place she feels comfortable. If you’re taking her somewhere on a date, pick her up, and have a clean car. Open the car door for her and make sure she’s safely tucked in before you close it. Some ladies like it if you open the car door for her when you arrive as well. This can be difficult to orchestrate time-wise if she’s not expecting it, because you have to park, then walk around to open her door. If you try, and don’t get there fast enough, it’s a great time to keep it light and funny. If you’re walking outdoors along a street, walk on the outside of the sidewalk closer to the street. If it’s raining, hold an umbrella over her. If you’re crossing a street, take her arm if she is comfortable with that.   At a Venue or Entertainment Place Open the door for her if you’re going into a building. If you’re going down a narrow aisle, at a theater, or in a restaurant, allow her to go ahead. Ask her where she’d prefer to sit. If you’re sitting down at a restaurant, take her coat first and stow it away for her somewhere appropriate, then pull out her chair for her. If you’re at a restaurant, have her order first. When food arrives, wait until she begins eating before you start eating. Pay for her, at least on the first date, and usually for the first two or three. If you’re at a performance or club, make sure she has a seat or spot where she feels comfortable and can see well.   At the End of a Date If you drove separately, and she’s comfortable with this, walk her to her car, especially if it’s dark. If she’s driving home alone, text her on the way home if you have her number to thank her for the date and make sure she got home safely. If you drive her home, text her a while afterwards to thank her for the date.   By the way, it’s nice if you KEEP doing these things, even after you’re in an established relationship with someone. Just a tip for the future…… And another tip: You can practice all of this with women you interact with throughout your day. It doesn’t have to be anyone you’re romantically interested in. It helps you get in the habit, and...

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