For Guys & Gals

Let’s Go for a Walk

Posted by on Mar 14, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

Let’s Go for a Walk

Find out what you have in common with Michael Phelps, 18-time gold medal Olympian – and how this can help you find the match of your dreams and create a fantastic relationship. Each morning as soon as I get up I go out for a walk. Often I walk only for 5 minutes, but sometimes I’m out for as long as 20 or more if I really need to percolate. While walking, I do three things which focus my mind and heart to attract success: 1. Gratitudes. I ask myself, “What am I feeling grateful for right this minute, about what ever happened yesterday, and about what is happening today.” It’s always a long list right away. 2. Action steps. What three steps am I going to take today toward my main goal? (which in my case at the moment is finishing the dating book I’m writing, and creating a dating coaching/seminar business – for you, the goal might be finding a great match and creating an excellent relationship!) 3. Feeling as if I’m Already There. Then I ask myself: “How will I feel, and what will be happening when I have reached my primary goal?” I Imagine that I am there already. I see it, feel it, touch it, hear it, taste it. But what does this have to do with Michael Phelps? I’m getting to that. I come back from these walks super charged for the day and programmed for success. On these walks I also often have important ahas about my life, and what is important for me next. In this series of blog posts I’ll share with you some of the things I realize about dating and life while I’m walking. And after each walk I write down my action steps for the day, and any other realizations that popped in while I was walking. Why does this work? First of all, it’s a FAST way to get grounded and positive. Research has shown that happy, successful people focus on what they’re grateful for A LOT. And they believe in their vision, and keep putting practical and emotional energy into it. For more info, see www.happify.com. This little routine is all about creating a positive mindset for yourself, and taking the next steps, in a manageable way, to take you toward your goal. Now here’s the Michael Phelps part. Do you remember how he used to wear headphones until the very last second when he was getting into the pool? He was listening to the Star Spangled Banner, what he would hear AFTER he won! And he was feeling how he was going to feel when he won that medal, and was listening to that music. THAT’S what creates success (however you define success) – feeling the feelings you will feel when you succeed. Feeling like you’re already there turns you into a magnet that pulls toward you the realization of that vision or dream. It worked for Michael Phelps… Now, of course, it’s not JUST about feeling as if you’re already succeeded. But when you can already taste, smell, touch, hear what success will feel like, you’re much more likely to take the necessary steps that will get you there. Like training for the Olympics a gazillion hours a day for years… Or, the second part of this morning walk routine: goal setting, in bite-sized pieces, for the day. When you’re out walking you’re already in action. And just being able to walk, and to see, hear, and feel are gigantic things to be grateful for in life. But this routine can also work for...

Read More

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 5

Posted by on Jun 25, 2015 in Blog, For Guys & Gals | 0 comments

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 5

Handle your mistakes – but don’t beat yourself up. That just slows you down in addressing the situation, learning for the future, and moving on.   When you make a mistake, here’s a good thing to say: “I made a mistake. I’m sorry for how this hurt you. Here’s what I’m doing to fix it (fill in the blank).” And then, say to yourself, “Now, I’m going to get on with my life!”   Everyone makes mistakes. Big ones. Ones that hurt. Lots and lots and lots of them… If any of us had our lives to do over again, we would do some things differently. Maybe VERY differently. But, we don’t have our lives to live over again. We only have the opportunities in the future that we are creating in the present. Today, as they say, is the first day of the rest of your life. So, an important part of loving yourself is forgiving your own mistakes – learning from them – doing what you can to make things right – and then MOVING ON. If you don’t learn to forgive yourself for your “mistakes,” how will anyone else learn to forgive you? You need to lead by example. When you notice that you’ve made a “mistake,” here are some good steps to take: S – T – O – P ….. SLOOOOOOWWWW down. Notice the impact and the damage. THEN, forgive yourself IMMEDIATELY.If you don’t, you are likely to KEEP causing damage to yourself and others as you deny what you did, or keep beating yourself up. STOP IT. Beating yourself up doesn’t help ANYONE. No matter what they tell you. APOLOGIZE – It can be simple. You don’t need to spill blood over it. FIX IT IF YOU CAN or minimize the damage if you can’t. NOTICE WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED FOR THE FUTURE so you don’t have to make the same mistake again. MOVE ON….....

Read More

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 4

Posted by on Jun 24, 2015 in Blog, For Guys & Gals | 0 comments

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 4

What do you like about yourself, inside and out? Make a list. You don’t need to let anyone else see it. Remind yourself of what you like about yourself every day. You need to become not only your own best friend, but your own best cheerleader, coach, and mentor. If not now, when? Start with what you DO like and appreciate about yourself – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and go from there. I’m not kidding. Make a list. No-one else needs to see it. There is nothing wrong with appreciating yourself. I’d like to say that again: no matter what we’ve been taught, there is nothing wrong with appreciating ourselves. This is not a sign of egotism or selfish pride. It’s also not an indication that you lack humility. If you can’t appreciate and respect yourself, it is unlikely others will either. You need to know your own skills, blessings, and gifts to be able to use them well – in service to yourself, and to others. Can a bird fly if it has no awareness of its wings?...

Read More

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 3

Posted by on Jun 23, 2015 in Blog, For Guys & Gals | 0 comments

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 3

Give yourself the love and understanding you wish from others: compassionate love – and tough love, without judgment. How can you be your own best friend, every minute of every day? We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. This is, perhaps, a cruel fact of life. We live in a “hall of mirrors,” with life mirroring back at us the thoughts and feelings we hold in our own minds, hearts, and bodies. If we want others to treat us better, we need to treat ourselves better first. We show them the way. So, if you want love from others, become your own best friend. Learn to notice when you are beating yourself up. It is a habit which is deeply ingrained in most of us. How can you learn to listen to what you are telling yourself, about yourself, and speak to yourself kindly, as if you were your own best friend in the world? What can you appreciate about yourself RIGHT THIS MINUTE? What can you be grateful for about yourself RIGHT NOW? Appreciation and gratitude are the most powerful levers to shift your inner climate. They won’t take away your awareness of what you need to do or change about yourself or your life – they will just help you love yourself NOW as you are, which is an essential first step. This is simple. But it takes lots and lots and lots of practice. So, it is not easy. Your mind will come up with many “buts” – about the mistakes you have made – about the reasons why you are at fault, or are not “worthy.” Bring your attention back to what you are grateful for about yourself and your life – and start from there. Otherwise any changes you make will be like building a new building on quicksand. Your strong foundation needs to be loving yourself. And loving yourself is a daily practice, and a work in...

Read More

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 2

Posted by on Jun 21, 2015 in Blog, For Guys & Gals | 0 comments

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 2

Most people have wondered, at some point or another, whether they are “good enough.” This is partially a result of the many ways in which society indoctrinates us about who we are “supposed to be.” We wonder: “Am I smart enough? Successful enough? Handsome/pretty enough? Rich enough?” and so on. We compare ourselves to others – because that is what we are taught to do – and find ourselves lacking in some area – or many. At core, this inner struggle is a fear of not being worthy of love. That is the ultimate fear. And out of this fear, and the hurt and rejection many if not most of us have experienced in life, we protect ourselves and “act out,” doing hurtful things to others, and to ourselves. It is a paradox: out of a fear of not being worthy of love – and trying to keep ourselves “safe” from getting hurt – we do things that drive away the very love we crave. Usually this happens completely unconsciously. Sometimes the hurt we impose upon ourselves, and on others, is severe. The week I write this, we see this in a young man who shot and killed nine people in a church in South Carolina…. But this doesn’t mean we should stop loving, or believing we, or any other human being, is not worthy of love. Whether we have hurt ourselves or others in our lives, we are all still worthy of love. How could it be otherwise? Human beings are brought into the world to love others and be loved. It is fundamental to our human nature. It is when people don’t get the love that is each person’s birthright, or are taught to hate others, that violence happens. Of course, we still need to get ourselves out of harm’s way when someone is being destructive – and hold ourselves and others accountable for mental or physical violence or abuse. And ideally we would each do what we can to heal whatever damage we have done in the past, to ourselves and to others. We might need to change to treat ourselves and others better – or to attract or keep the love we crave as part of the human condition. However, the first step in loving yourself is acknowledging, as a principle, that EVERY person is worthy of love, no exceptions, including you. Can you do...

Read More

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 1

Posted by on Jun 20, 2015 in Blog, For Guys & Gals | 0 comments

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 1

A NEW SERIES OF BLOG POSTS: Get Ready for Love First Topic: Loving Yourself If you want real love in your life, the first person you need to love is yourself. This is true for all of us. How can you be who you really are – and love yourself NOW as you are? After that, you might want to make some adjustments to be your best self. Why not do this according to who YOU want to be, not anyone else’s standards, accepting all the “imperfections” that make you unique and special? Putting some attention on offering your best self – to yourself and others – can help you love and respect yourself, no matter who is in your life, or what anyone else does or doesn’t do. Offering your best will also help you attract the perfect match for you, or be the best partner you can be in a relationship. We are all “works in progress” as long as we are in this life… In this series of blog posts, spread out over several months, I’ll explore the topic of YOUR BEST SELF – and how to become that person, according to your needs and wishes. Each week of posts will address a different topic. To start with, let’s look at the topic of Loving yourself NOW as you...

Read More

The Greatest Gifts

Posted by on Apr 7, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

The Greatest Gifts

Have you ever felt like maybe you don’t have what it takes to find and sustain a great relationship? It’s this negative self talk which is actually the greatest obstacle to us creating a terrific relationship. But, we all have it, at some point or another. Being so very hard on ourselves….. Maybe you just had another disastrous date – or crash and burn start and end to a relationship. Or maybe the relationship you’re in is having some real problems. Or you’re feeling too gunshy even to try. What keeps me going in dating and relationships in general is that I know that if I continue learning from my “mistakes” – and loving myself – my relationships will become better and better. A while back I had a set of unfortunate communications in a relationship with a man. Here is how a guy might perceive what I did “wrong”: Overreacted about something; Got upset  – (that doesn’t mean I was angry or accusing by the way – I just got hurt and said something before I had given it more space and let it settle in my own heart and mind – this is what men call “drama” and it is probably the number one thing most of them avoid); Offered opinions about what a man should do about a challenge in his life without first inquiring whether those opinions were welcome; Sent too many texts, that were too long; Got too serious about the whole thing, and too focused on it; Tried to get him to talk about it when he wasn’t ready, and didn’t give him enough space in general. From a women’s perspective, here’s what I did: Tried to express how I felt and what I needed in a non-blaming way; Cared a lot – about him, the relationship, and his family; Wanted to be helpful; Tried to communicate; Wanted to resolve things, for both our sakes; In general, tried really hard! Isn’t it remarkable that the same set of actions can be viewed or experienced so differently by two people at the very same time? Now, here’s the interesting part – because what if both perspectives are equally “true”? How could that be possible? On my walk one morning, in the middle of this situation, I found this little Santa. And I was thinking that, whatever might happen next, these “mistakes” I had made could be my greatest gifts. Isn’t Santa the ultimate gift guy? (I have no idea what he was doing in the gutter in the middle of April.) Because what I want to learn is how to communicate, and time the communication, such that a man doesn’t experience his undesirable list – from the top of this post – and instead can relate to or connect with me from my intentions, and where I’m coming from – the bottom list. People live in very different realities – and there’s not one that’s “right.” So, it’s important to learn what works in someone else’s reality – without being untrue to yourself. If I can learn to do that, then any choices I made in that situation don’t need to feel like “mistakes” – if I’m really willing to learn. Glory @@@####!!! Hallelujah! When something derails, we may or may not be able to “fix” the situation. We can apologize for the way it came across. But the situation itself may not be able to be resolved the way we would most like. That’s life. Aren’t most things beyond our control, anyway? But, something we DO have control over is forgiving ourselves for our “mistakes” and continuing to learn how to communicate most effectively from the other person’s perspective....

Read More

It’s a Guy Thing – or Is It?

Posted by on Apr 3, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

It’s a Guy Thing – or Is It?

This morning the little boy next door was sobbing his eyes out as I was getting ready for my walk. And the circumstance made me think about fear of rejection, and whether men and women deal with this challenge differently. And, how fear of rejection can be handled well during dating. So, are men more afraid of rejection than women? Do they handle it differently? And what are the keys for men in dealing with fear of rejection during dating? More on all of this below – with some thoughts about how fear of rejection can be minimized – and how you can feel like a success while you’re dating, no matter what is happening. To explain about the little boy – my home is two attached units and I lease out one side as a furnished vacation rental. Currently a man is living there while he’s back from working overseas with the military, and his four-year old son is with him part-time.  My tenant’s rental agreement is up in a few days and I assume he’s going back overseas while his son stays in town with his mom, the man’s ex. I wondered whether the son was crying in anticipation of his father leaving. Today’s heart-breaking sobbing was a departure from what I’ve heard over there in the past –  the two of them playing “monster,” with the man chasing his son around the house, and the little boy laughing gleefully. But isn’t it like this for all of us? Don’t we all fear the going away of someone we care about – just like a four-year old boy. Or being told, directly or indirectly, that we’re not “the one?” Grown up men are supposed to be tough. But what I hear from men is that the fear of rejection is often a giant obstacle to moving forward with dating, or being in a relationship. After all, traditionally, men are the ones who are supposed to “make the first move,” – walk up to the woman – ask for her number – call her- ask her out – ask her out again – make the move for the first kiss….. It’s a lot of energy – and a lot of putting themselves out there with the possibility of rejection at each stage of the game. And isn’t fear of rejection and loss, bottom line, what makes dating and relationships painful sometimes? I’ve spoken with men who’ve had a hard time moving forward with finding another relationship. or really letting someone else in, after a devastating abandonment (like their wife having an affair, and then the marriage ending in divorce.) Others seem to recover pretty quickly and move on, with renewed sense of self. Isn’t it true for all of us that: We want the love. We fear the rejection. Yes, we want sex too – and the popular understanding is that guys are more motivated by sex than women are – more on that topic in another post sometime. In my experience, and this is a gross generalization, women are in some ways more equipped to heal from rejection and move on. They have more skills for “self-soothing,” and more community that supports them in putting things in perspective, whereas guys often slug out this healing process relatively alone. But, when you get right down to it – aren’t we more the same than we are different? We both really want love – acceptance – nurturing. We both want to feel safe with someone who cares about us. By the time we’re even a little bit grown up, most of...

Read More

Staying Centered During Dating

Posted by on Mar 31, 2014 in Blog, Featured, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

Staying Centered During Dating

Do you know how when you really like someone, you can feel yourself getting pulled off your center? Sometimes all you can think about is when you’re going to see that person again, and what will happen. There’s all the excitement and euphoria, and the nervousness and anxiety. And the same thing can be true when you feel very rejected. You can lose your sense of yourself for a time, and your mind can get caught up in thoughts about the other person or the situation- hurt, sadness, frustration, self-doubt. That’s no fun! This can be true when you’re dating. And it can also be true when you’re in a relationship. I was thinking about this today with reference to myself while I was out for my morning walk. When I am just getting to know someone I notice how very compelling that is, but also how much it has the potential to pull me completely off my center. I can find myself doing none of my usual self-care routines – morning walks, saturday meditation with a friend, exercise, yoga class, vitamins…. And, of course, sticking to routines is not the goal of life – and being flexible and going with the flow is a good thing – as is enjoying what is actually happening in the moment. However, I was noticing that I invest a lot in myself in relationships – to be my best self – and then it can be easy, in the sway of attraction, both the good feelings and the “bad” ones, to throw that work out the window. And the very qualities which attract someone to me can begin to slip away if I don’t stay centered in myself. It seems to me this can be true for other people too. This is also why dating and relationships can be such a great teacher – for me, anyway. Because I want to be my strongest, best self no matter who is or isn’t in my life – and no matter whether I like what is happening with them, or I don’t. And relationships inevitably bring up all the fragile, sensitive stuff for each of us as well. Or, at least they do for me…. Again, I was reminded of this on my morning walk because I came across a couple that was having a shouting match as they were driving in a small, shiny, yellow pickup truck, with one of them finally getting out of the truck and slamming the door. Ouch! Probably most of us have been there at some point. All that hurt and vulnerability. And a friend who just broke up a relationship was talking about this yesterday – saying she notices that when she is NOT in a relationship, she feels very strong and together, and when she IS in a relationship, she feels all sorts of vulnerability come up when things are not going the way she wants them to. Of course, the opposite is true for some people as well – that NOT being in a relationship brings up lots of “stuff” for them to work on in being alone. It’s all the same thing really. Dating – and relationship – as a teacher, if we choose to look at it that way – for how each of us can learn to be grounded in our best selves – no matter who is or isn’t showing up – and what the other person is or isn’t doing. Hmmmmmmmmmm…… (This blog post is part of the ‘Let’s Go for a Walk’ series. The first post in this series...

Read More