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On this page you’ll find conversations about topics of interest to you that will help you have the most fun and feel the most successful in dating. Don’t see a topic that interests you? Start a new discussion!

It’s a Guy Thing – or Is It?

Posted by on Apr 3, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

It’s a Guy Thing – or Is It?

This morning the little boy next door was sobbing his eyes out as I was getting ready for my walk. And the circumstance made me think about fear of rejection, and whether men and women deal with this challenge differently. And, how fear of rejection can be handled well during dating. So, are men more afraid of rejection than women? Do they handle it differently? And what are the keys for men in dealing with fear of rejection during dating? More on all of this below – with some thoughts about how fear of rejection can be minimized – and how you can feel like a success while you’re dating, no matter what is happening. To explain about the little boy – my home is two attached units and I lease out one side as a furnished vacation rental. Currently a man is living there while he’s back from working overseas with the military, and his four-year old son is with him part-time.  My tenant’s rental agreement is up in a few days and I assume he’s going back overseas while his son stays in town with his mom, the man’s ex. I wondered whether the son was crying in anticipation of his father leaving. Today’s heart-breaking sobbing was a departure from what I’ve heard over there in the past –  the two of them playing “monster,” with the man chasing his son around the house, and the little boy laughing gleefully. But isn’t it like this for all of us? Don’t we all fear the going away of someone we care about – just like a four-year old boy. Or being told, directly or indirectly, that we’re not “the one?” Grown up men are supposed to be tough. But what I hear from men is that the fear of rejection is often a giant obstacle to moving forward with dating, or being in a relationship. After all, traditionally, men are the ones who are supposed to “make the first move,” – walk up to the woman – ask for her number – call her- ask her out – ask her out again – make the move for the first kiss….. It’s a lot of energy – and a lot of putting themselves out there with the possibility of rejection at each stage of the game. And isn’t fear of rejection and loss, bottom line, what makes dating and relationships painful sometimes? I’ve spoken with men who’ve had a hard time moving forward with finding another relationship. or really letting someone else in, after a devastating abandonment (like their wife having an affair, and then the marriage ending in divorce.) Others seem to recover pretty quickly and move on, with renewed sense of self. Isn’t it true for all of us that: We want the love. We fear the rejection. Yes, we want sex too – and the popular understanding is that guys are more motivated by sex than women are – more on that topic in another post sometime. In my experience, and this is a gross generalization, women are in some ways more equipped to heal from rejection and move on. They have more skills for “self-soothing,” and more community that supports them in putting things in perspective, whereas guys often slug out this healing process relatively alone. But,...

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Men: How to Succeed on a Date with a Woman

Posted by on Apr 2, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Succeed on a Date with a Woman

Recently I received a marketing email from a dating coach about how a man can succeed with a woman on a date. I forwarded it to a man I know who is dating, who I feel presents himself very well, and asked  “What do you think of this?” He emailed back to say he thought it smelled like snake oil: a “fool-proof  system” that is only for fools. And he promised he’d tell me what he does when he’s on a date with someone he’s getting to know. So, we talked about it last night and he shared his approach, which makes a lot of sense to me in terms of what works and what doesn’t. Here’s what he recommends for early on in the dating process: Be relaxed. You can’t get to know someone, or help them get to know you, if you’re not relaxed and open. Be confident in yourself. You need to accept yourself as you are, and be authentic in how you present yourself. This means being straightforward, without playing mind games, or trying to manipulate or “trick” the other person somehow. Be comfortable in your own skin. Whether you’re a movie star – or not (as most of us aren’t), you need to feel comfortable with yourself in order to really connect with another person. Listen. What are the woman’s interests? What does she care about? How can you relate to that from what you are interested in and care about? Be curious. Build conversation from what she cares about, and from what she is saying in the moment. Make eye contact. Smile. Be present. This was the essence of what he said. Now, of course, he is someone who comes across as fundamentally accepting himself, seems generally pretty relaxed, laid back, confident, and comfortable in his own skin. He seems interested in other people, listens to them, and is a good communicator. And, from my perspective, these attributes – although incredibly important – are not always easy for a man to have, depending on his particular upbringing, experience, and history. My date also noted that if a man has trouble relaxing, does not feel confident or comfortable, or lacks good communication or conversational skills, doing some work on himself may be a good idea. (And I hope this Web site will help both men and women with these and other skills!) But attaining those attributes or skills is not some kind of “overnight quick fix – just follow these seven easy steps – add water and stir.” I’d like to add these things which are important to ME when I’m dating a man: I appreciate a man “taking charge” without “taking control.” More on that in a future blog post; Chivalry DOES matter – to me at least. See the blog post about that which is already up on this Web site; and The first kiss – when, where, how – IS, actually, quite significant. More on that in another blog post as well. I’d also like to be realistic. People get nervous on first dates – both men and women – so it seems to me it makes sense to give each other a chance – and not to expect perfect ease, confidence, relaxation, transparency, and authenticity on the first date. Realistically,...

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Staying Centered During Dating

Posted by on Mar 31, 2014 in Blog, Featured, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

Staying Centered During Dating

Do you know how when you really like someone, you can feel yourself getting pulled off your center? Sometimes all you can think about is when you’re going to see that person again, and what will happen. There’s all the excitement and euphoria, and the nervousness and anxiety. And the same thing can be true when you feel very rejected. You can lose your sense of yourself for a time, and your mind can get caught up in thoughts about the other person or the situation- hurt, sadness, frustration, self-doubt. That’s no fun! This can be true when you’re dating. And it can also be true when you’re in a relationship. I was thinking about this today with reference to myself while I was out for my morning walk. When I am just getting to know someone I notice how very compelling that is, but also how much it has the potential to pull me completely off my center. I can find myself doing none of my usual self-care routines – morning walks, saturday meditation with a friend, exercise, yoga class, vitamins…. And, of course, sticking to routines is not the goal of life – and being flexible and going with the flow is a good thing – as is enjoying what is actually happening in the moment. However, I was noticing that I invest a lot in myself in relationships – to be my best self – and then it can be easy, in the sway of attraction, both the good feelings and the “bad” ones, to throw that work out the window. And the very qualities which attract someone to me can begin to slip away if I don’t stay centered in myself. It seems to me this can be true for other people too. This is also why dating and relationships can be such a great teacher – for me, anyway. Because I want to be my strongest, best self no matter who is or isn’t in my life – and no matter whether I like what is happening with them, or I don’t. And relationships inevitably bring up all the fragile, sensitive stuff for each of us as well. Or, at least they do for me…. Again, I was reminded of this on my morning walk because I came across a couple that was having a shouting match as they were driving in a small, shiny, yellow pickup truck, with one of them finally getting out of the truck and slamming the door. Ouch! Probably most of us have been there at some point. All that hurt and vulnerability. And a friend who just broke up a relationship was talking about this yesterday – saying she notices that when she is NOT in a relationship, she feels very strong and together, and when she IS in a relationship, she feels all sorts of vulnerability come up when things are not going the way she wants them to. Of course, the opposite is true for some people as well – that NOT being in a relationship brings up lots of “stuff” for them to work on in being alone. It’s all the same thing really. Dating – and relationship – as a teacher, if we choose to look at it that way – for how each...

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Let’s Go for a Walk

Posted by on Mar 14, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

Let’s Go for a Walk

Find out what you have in common with Michael Phelps, 18-time gold medal Olympian – and how this can help you find the match of your dreams and create a fantastic relationship. Each morning as soon as I get up I go out for a walk. Often I walk only for 5 minutes, but sometimes I’m out for as long as 20 or more if I really need to percolate. While walking, I do three things which focus my mind and heart to attract success: 1. Gratitudes. I ask myself, “What am I feeling grateful for right this minute, about what ever happened yesterday, and about what is happening today.” It’s always a long list right away. 2. Action steps. What three steps am I going to take today toward my main goal? (which in my case at the moment is finishing the dating book I’m writing, and creating a dating coaching/seminar business – for you, the goal might be finding a great match and creating an excellent relationship!) 3. Feeling as if I’m Already There. Then I ask myself: “How will I feel, and what will be happening when I have reached my primary goal?” I Imagine that I am there already. I see it, feel it, touch it, hear it, taste it. But what does this have to do with Michael Phelps? I’m getting to that. I come back from these walks super charged for the day and programmed for success. On these walks I also often have important ahas about my life, and what is important for me next. In this series of blog posts I’ll share with you some of the things I realize about dating and life while I’m walking. And after each walk I write down my action steps for the day, and any other realizations that popped in while I was walking. Why does this work? First of all, it’s a FAST way to get grounded and positive. Research has shown that happy, successful people focus on what they’re grateful for A LOT. And they believe in their vision, and keep putting practical and emotional energy into it. For more info, see www.happify.com. This little routine is all about creating a positive mindset for yourself, and taking the next steps, in a manageable way, to take you toward your goal. Now here’s the Michael Phelps part. Do you remember how he used to wear headphones until the very last second when he was getting into the pool? He was listening to the Star Spangled Banner, what he would hear AFTER he won! And he was feeling how he was going to feel when he won that medal, and was listening to that music. THAT’S what creates success (however you define success) – feeling the feelings you will feel when you succeed. Feeling like you’re already there turns you into a magnet that pulls toward you the realization of that vision or dream. It worked for Michael Phelps… Now, of course, it’s not JUST about feeling as if you’re already succeeded. But when you can already taste, smell, touch, hear what success will feel like, you’re much more likely to take the necessary steps that will get you there. Like training for the Olympics a gazillion hours a day for years… Or, the second...

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Gentlemen, Is Chivalry Dead?

Posted by on Mar 10, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Gentlemen, Is Chivalry Dead?

No. Nor is a woman’s desire for you to be chivalrous. So, what is ‘chivalry’ and what are some of the rules of the game? And why should you care anyway? The term was originally used to define the conduct of knights in the Middle Ages. Today it refers to how a man behaves  towards a woman to help her feel safe, considered, and taken care of – particularly when the two of them are out and about together in the world. These are things a woman wants to feel with you if she’s going to stick around with you. So, if you want to “get” anywhere with her beyond a first date, these are good points to know! Now, some people may think chivalry is old-fashioned –and some people even say these behaviors are sexist. As a woman, I don’t feel that way – and I think most women won’t – even if they are confident and smart. Here are some common expressions of chivalry. And depending on how you look at it, some of these are just good manners! Getting There If you’re meeting for the first time and have never met before, let her pick a place she feels comfortable. If you’re taking her somewhere on a date, pick her up, and have a clean car. Open the car door for her and make sure she’s safely tucked in before you close it. Some ladies like it if you open the car door for her when you arrive as well. This can be difficult to orchestrate time-wise if she’s not expecting it, because you have to park, then walk around to open her door. If you try, and don’t get there fast enough, it’s a great time to keep it light and funny. If you’re walking outdoors along a street, walk on the outside of the sidewalk closer to the street. If it’s raining, hold an umbrella over her. If you’re crossing a street, take her arm if she is comfortable with that.   At a Venue or Entertainment Place Open the door for her if you’re going into a building. If you’re going down a narrow aisle, at a theater, or in a restaurant, allow her to go ahead. Ask her where she’d prefer to sit. If you’re sitting down at a restaurant, take her coat first and stow it away for her somewhere appropriate, then pull out her chair for her. If you’re at a restaurant, have her order first. When food arrives, wait until she begins eating before you start eating. Pay for her, at least on the first date, and usually for the first two or three. If you’re at a performance or club, make sure she has a seat or spot where she feels comfortable and can see well.   At the End of a Date If you drove separately, and she’s comfortable with this, walk her to her car, especially if it’s dark. If she’s driving home alone, text her on the way home if you have her number to thank her for the date and make sure she got home safely. If you drive her home, text her a while afterwards to thank her for the date.   By the way, it’s nice if you KEEP doing these things,...

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Ladies: How to Make a Man Happy on the 1st Date

Posted by on Feb 22, 2014 in Blog, Featured, For Gals | 0 comments

Ladies: How to Make a Man Happy on the 1st Date

So, what is a man looking for from you when he takes you out on a first date? Whether it’s just a date for coffee, and you’ve never met each other before, or he’s taking you out to dinner, he’s spending his time, and usually his money, to go out with you. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment: He’s gone to the trouble to set this date up, gotten himself out of the house and there to meet you, and may be a little bit nervous. So, what is going to make him feel glad he went on this date with you? Here are some of the things a man is looking for on a first date with you. If you do these things, you will not only have more fun, you’ll be more likely to get asked out on a second date. If you’re meeting him, be on time for the date, relaxed, and ready to interact. If he’s picking you up, be ready when he gets there. Dress attractively. Whatever the situation, men like beauty. And, honestly, they like to see a woman’s shape – bust, derriere, legs. Even if it’s a coffee date, wear something that flatters you. You don’t have to be racey, but show a little leg and skin. Fitted jeans are great. Give him a hug when you meet him if you feel comfortable doing that. Smile at him and make eye contact. Listen to him and laugh at his jokes. Give him your full attention: Don’t be on your cell phone texting or calling, or looking at the television in the restaurant. If it’s true, let him know by the way you sit and stand that you are comfortable being near him. Be enthusiastic and happy to be with him. And finally, express appreciation for the effort, time, and money the gentleman put forward to spend this time with you.   Whether you want to see someone again or not, it’s good for YOU to practice these skills in connecting with whoever you meet. By taking these steps you are not compromising yourself, or committing to anything. You are just expressing consideration and value for another human being. So, unless the man is rude and completely unpleasant, why not make this effort to “show up” for him on your first date? There is almost always something you can appreciate about whoever you find yourself interacting with. Focus on that appreciation, and let yourself enjoy whatever there is to enjoy – and notice what you’re learning!  ...

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