Posts by Melanie Rubin

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 1

Posted by on Jun 20, 2015 in Blog, For Guys & Gals | 0 comments

Get Ready for Love: Loving Yourself – Post 1

A NEW SERIES OF BLOG POSTS: Get Ready for Love First Topic: Loving Yourself If you want real love in your life, the first person you need to love is yourself. This is true for all of us. How can you be who you really are – and love yourself NOW as you are? After that, you might want to make some adjustments to be your best self. Why not do this according to who YOU want to be, not anyone else’s standards, accepting all the “imperfections” that make you unique and special? Putting some attention on offering your best self – to yourself and others – can help you love and respect yourself, no matter who is in your life, or what anyone else does or doesn’t do. Offering your best will also help you attract the perfect match for you, or be the best partner you can be in a relationship. We are all “works in progress” as long as we are in this life… In this series of blog posts, spread out over several months, I’ll explore the topic of YOUR BEST SELF – and how to become that person, according to your needs and wishes. Each week of posts will address a different topic. To start with, let’s look at the topic of Loving yourself NOW as you...

Read More

Men: How to Succeed with the First Kiss

Posted by on May 15, 2014 in Blog, Featured, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Succeed with the First Kiss

People say the first kiss is important. And, I’m here to tell you they’re right! When and how you kiss a woman for the first time is a critical turning point – it can seal the deal – or be a total deal breaker. But the whole situation can be anxiety-producing for a guy. Everyone is afraid of rejection when they’re dating – everyone – it is part of the human condition. And as the guy, it’s usually understood that you will make the “move” for the first kiss. A guy is supposed to be smooth and confident and into the woman, but he’s also supposed to be respectful enough not to seem like a pushy creep. That’s not always such an easy balance to strike! So, cut yourself some slack about not being perfect, or knowing exactly what to do or when to do it.   What are some things that will help you know when and how to approach the first kiss? First of all, you need to know when NOT to kiss a woman. DON’T kiss a woman unless you’ve had some indication that she wants to be near you. Signs that a woman would like to be physically close to you include: Touching you on the arm or leg Leaning toward you Sitting near you Keeping her hand in yours if you take her hand Standing with her toes pointing toward you (yes, it sounds funny, but this is actually a good indicator!) Smiling at you a lot, laughing, tossing or fingering her hair, and generally looking like she’s enjoying being with you. And DON’T kiss a woman if she clearly and specifically goes to kiss you on the cheek – or offers her cheek for you to kiss her there – or goes to give you a hug. If you intercept her and “force” her to kiss you on the lips when she’s not ready, it will probably creep her out, and she may never want to kiss you or go out with you again. (This has happened to me. It can feel really intrusive, a little scary even, and GROSS!) So, what if she IS doing some or all of the things on the list above, that indicate she would like to be physical with you? Then should you kiss her? When? On the first date? Second date? End of the date only? During the date? Sometimes, if a woman really seems to like you, and you like her, it’s nice to give her a little kiss on the lips at the end of the first date, without putting big “moves” on her. This has happened to me a couple of times and I loved it – if I liked the guy. It showed that he liked and was into me, but wasn’t trying to race me into bed. And it showed he had some guts and self-confidence. Actually, it was totally charming and romantic.   But when should you go in for the “real” kiss – the sexy one. After the second date? There’s no rule to this. However, some women have told me that if a guy she’s interested in doesn’t try to kiss her by the second or at the latest third date she 1) thinks he doesn’t really like her that much and/or 2) loses respect for him. Other women have told me they don’t mind waiting several dates before things become physically romantic – or even a few weeks. So, women are obviously very different on this score. First, it’s important to be clear about your own style...

Read More

Ladies: Why Guys Hate Drama & What to Do About It

Posted by on Apr 12, 2014 in Blog, For Gals | 0 comments

Ladies: Why Guys Hate Drama & What to Do About It

Guys hate “drama” in their relationships with women. For most men, drama might be defined as a woman getting upset at them, blaming them, overreacting (from their perspective), and seeming irrational. Some men particularly dislike it when “drama” is accompanied by crying, and big discussions. For most guys, it can take days, or weeks, to get over an episode of “drama” and the experience will create a strong, unpleasant memory. And most guys will avoid confrontations and big discussions – and consider leaving a relationship, or just leave it,  when there is “too much drama.” In other words, drama can be a dealbreaker in a relationship. So, if you want to be in a relationship, this is important! So, why is it that men hate “drama?” (We’ll get to what you can do about it next!) Part of the answer seems to be in how men’s and women’s brains are literally wired differently. Some of this is almost cliché: Men’s brains are typically wired for “results” more than for “process.” In Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus John Gray says: “A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.” Dealing with emotional issues is inherently a process situation. (See the book Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, in the ‘Relationship’ section of the ‘Resources’ portion of this Web site.) NOTE: This is also why men are less likely to be fascinated with how and why your relationship communication works or doesn’t work. In fact, many men will get impatient with the following list – while many women will eat up this information with a stick and a spoon. Also, men are not raised to focus on communication and collaboration skills the way women are. So, this is another reason they often feel out of their depth in this arena, and are typically less comfortable in it than are women. Men’s brains are more programmed to deal with one situation at a time, handling that situation, before moving on to the next. Women’s brains can move from one subject to another with great fluidity, without resolving one issue before connecting it with the next. This is why the authors of Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti say that men’s brains are like waffles, and women’s brains are like spaghetti. Further, they state: “A man will strategically organize his life in boxes and then spend most of his time in the boxes he can succeed in. This is such a strong motivation for him that he will seek out the boxes that work, and will ignore the boxes that confuse him or make him feel like a failure. …Men also take a “success” approach to communication. If they believe they can successfully talk with their wives and reach a desirable outcome, they will be highly motivated to converse. If, on the other hand, the conversation seems pointless to him, or he finds understanding his wife impossible, he loses his motivation to talk and clams up.” When a woman is upset, she usually covers a lot of ground in her communication, linking one thought to another quickly. In keeping with the idea of women being like spaghetti, and men being life waffles, this can be maddening to a man, because he gets stuck three ideas back. He stops being able to follow her, especially if he is upset, and gives up because he feels like he is “failing.” As part of their “results” orientation, men are “fixers.” When a woman is upset, it can appear to a man that there is nothing he can...

Read More

Men: How to Deal with “Drama” – And, Why it Matters

Posted by on Apr 12, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Deal with “Drama” – And, Why it Matters

Gentlemen, don’t you hate it when a woman suddenly gets upset and acts hurt or angry? Maybe you find yourself saying “She is overreacting. She is blaming me. This is unfair and ridiculous. There is nothing I can do. I am f—-d. I hate this. This is going to ruin my evening. This is going to take forever to deal with…” Below are  some very simple steps to deal with the situation that get results, require the least amount of time and emotional energy, and have the best possibility for a good outcome. (Now, why is this important – also known as, “Why should you care?” or “What’s in it for you?” According to John Gray in Men are From Mars: Women are From Venus, the number one complaint that women have about men is that they don’t listen. And when a women is upset, that is perhaps the most important time for her to feel like her man is listening. And, according to John Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: “The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all.” Isn’t being able to resolve things when someone is upset an important aspect of friendship? And, practically speaking, don’t you think your lady is going to love on you really well if she feels like you listen to her when she’s upset?) So, here are the steps for dealing with a woman’s “drama:”   1. Adjust Your Attitude. First of all, if a mechanical device malfunctioned, you wouldn’t take it personally, would you? Sometimes emotions just get clogged up and you need to take time to unsnarl them a little before you can go on. If a toilet started to overflow, you wouldn’t argue with it saying “That’s ridiculous. You’re overreacting to what I put in there. You’re blaming me and I don’t like it. I don’t have time to deal with this….” No, you’d just deal with it. Backed up emotions can be the same way. So, deal with it.   2. Take the heat off yourself. Don’t worry about whether she thinks it’s your “fault” or not. Let go of the defensive posture, and take a deep breath.   3. Cut her some slack. If she’s upset, she is probably feeling insecure. You feel insecure sometimes too, right? Cut her a little bit of slack.   4. Listen, and try to understand things from her perspective.   All you need to do/say is “I am sorry you are feeling upset. Tell me what is going on. I am listening.” And then try to put yourself in her shoes for a few minutes. Even if where she’s coming from seems really foreign to you, try to understand it. Sometimes just by listening for a little while, you will defuse her bad feeling quickly. Please NOTE: You are not apologizing for anything – you are not saying you’ve done anything “wrong,” you are just listening. I think of the expression “That which you resist, persists.” If you assume you understand what she’s really upset about, and dismiss her feelings, you’ll probably add gasoline to the flame and create a bonfire or an explosion.   5. Get to the root of the issue. What she’s saying she’s upset about may not be the root of the issue – it might just have been the final thing...

Read More

The Greatest Gifts

Posted by on Apr 7, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

The Greatest Gifts

Have you ever felt like maybe you don’t have what it takes to find and sustain a great relationship? It’s this negative self talk which is actually the greatest obstacle to us creating a terrific relationship. But, we all have it, at some point or another. Being so very hard on ourselves….. Maybe you just had another disastrous date – or crash and burn start and end to a relationship. Or maybe the relationship you’re in is having some real problems. Or you’re feeling too gunshy even to try. What keeps me going in dating and relationships in general is that I know that if I continue learning from my “mistakes” – and loving myself – my relationships will become better and better. A while back I had a set of unfortunate communications in a relationship with a man. Here is how a guy might perceive what I did “wrong”: Overreacted about something; Got upset  – (that doesn’t mean I was angry or accusing by the way – I just got hurt and said something before I had given it more space and let it settle in my own heart and mind – this is what men call “drama” and it is probably the number one thing most of them avoid); Offered opinions about what a man should do about a challenge in his life without first inquiring whether those opinions were welcome; Sent too many texts, that were too long; Got too serious about the whole thing, and too focused on it; Tried to get him to talk about it when he wasn’t ready, and didn’t give him enough space in general. From a women’s perspective, here’s what I did: Tried to express how I felt and what I needed in a non-blaming way; Cared a lot – about him, the relationship, and his family; Wanted to be helpful; Tried to communicate; Wanted to resolve things, for both our sakes; In general, tried really hard! Isn’t it remarkable that the same set of actions can be viewed or experienced so differently by two people at the very same time? Now, here’s the interesting part – because what if both perspectives are equally “true”? How could that be possible? On my walk one morning, in the middle of this situation, I found this little Santa. And I was thinking that, whatever might happen next, these “mistakes” I had made could be my greatest gifts. Isn’t Santa the ultimate gift guy? (I have no idea what he was doing in the gutter in the middle of April.) Because what I want to learn is how to communicate, and time the communication, such that a man doesn’t experience his undesirable list – from the top of this post – and instead can relate to or connect with me from my intentions, and where I’m coming from – the bottom list. People live in very different realities – and there’s not one that’s “right.” So, it’s important to learn what works in someone else’s reality – without being untrue to yourself. If I can learn to do that, then any choices I made in that situation don’t need to feel like “mistakes” – if I’m really willing to learn. Glory @@@####!!! Hallelujah! When something derails, we may or may not be able to “fix” the situation. We can apologize for the way it came across. But the situation itself may not be able to be resolved the way we would most like. That’s life. Aren’t most things beyond our control, anyway? But, something we DO have control over is forgiving ourselves for our “mistakes” and continuing to learn how to communicate most effectively from the other person’s perspective....

Read More