The Greatest Gifts

Posted by on Apr 7, 2014 in Blog, For Guys & Gals, Let's Go For a Walk | 0 comments

The Greatest Gifts

Have you ever felt like maybe you don’t have what it takes to find and sustain a great relationship?

It’s this negative self talk which is actually the greatest obstacle to us creating a terrific relationship. But, we all have it, at some point or another. Being so very hard on ourselves…..

Maybe you just had another disastrous date – or crash and burn start and end to a relationship. Or maybe the relationship you’re in is having some real problems. Or you’re feeling too gunshy even to try.

What keeps me going in dating and relationships in general is that I know that if I continue learning from my “mistakes” – and loving myself – my relationships will become better and better.

A while back I had a set of unfortunate communications in a relationship with a man.

Here is how a guy might perceive what I did “wrong”:

  • Overreacted about something;
  • Got upset  – (that doesn’t mean I was angry or accusing by the way – I just got hurt and said something before I had given it more space and let it settle in my own heart and mind – this is what men call “drama” and it is probably the number one thing most of them avoid);
  • Offered opinions about what a man should do about a challenge in his life without first inquiring whether those opinions were welcome;
  • Sent too many texts, that were too long;
  • Got too serious about the whole thing, and too focused on it;
  • Tried to get him to talk about it when he wasn’t ready, and didn’t give him enough space in general.

From a women’s perspective, here’s what I did:

  • Tried to express how I felt and what I needed in a non-blaming way;
  • Cared a lot – about him, the relationship, and his family;
  • Wanted to be helpful;
  • Tried to communicate;
  • Wanted to resolve things, for both our sakes;
  • In general, tried really hard!

Isn’t it remarkable that the same set of actions can be viewed or experienced so differently by two people at the very same time?

Now, here’s the interesting part – because what if both perspectives are equally “true”? How could that be possible?

On my walk one morning, in the middle of this situation, I found this little Santa. And I was thinking that, whatever might happen next, these “mistakes” I had made could be my greatest gifts. Isn’t Santa the ultimate gift guy? (I have no idea what he was doing in the gutter in the middle of April.)

Because what I want to learn is how to communicate, and time the communication, such that a man doesn’t experience his undesirable list – from the top of this post – and instead can relate to or connect with me from my intentions, and where I’m coming from – the bottom list. People live in very different realities – and there’s not one that’s “right.” So, it’s important to learn what works in someone else’s reality – without being untrue to yourself.

If I can learn to do that, then any choices I made in that situation don’t need to feel like “mistakes” – if I’m really willing to learn.

Glory @@@####!!! Hallelujah!

When something derails, we may or may not be able to “fix” the situation. We can apologize for the way it came across. But the situation itself may not be able to be resolved the way we would most like. That’s life. Aren’t most things beyond our control, anyway?

But, something we DO have control over is forgiving ourselves for our “mistakes” and continuing to learn how to communicate most effectively from the other person’s perspective. See blog post “Ladies: Why Men Hate Drama & What to Do About it!”

Then our “mistakes” can be our greatest gifts!

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