Men: How to Succeed on a Date with a Woman

Posted by on Apr 2, 2014 in Blog, For Guys | 0 comments

Men: How to Succeed on a Date with a Woman

Recently I received a marketing email from a dating coach about how a man can succeed with a woman on a date. I forwarded it to a man I know who is dating, who I feel presents himself very well, and asked  “What do you think of this?” He emailed back to say he thought it smelled like snake oil: a “fool-proof  system” that is only for fools. And he promised he’d tell me what he does when he’s on a date with someone he’s getting to know. So, we talked about it last night and he shared his approach, which makes a lot of sense to me in terms of what works and what doesn’t. Here’s what he recommends for early on in the dating process:

  • Be relaxed. You can’t get to know someone, or help them get to know you, if you’re not relaxed and open.
  • Be confident in yourself. You need to accept yourself as you are, and be authentic in how you present yourself. This means being straightforward, without playing mind games, or trying to manipulate or “trick” the other person somehow.
  • Be comfortable in your own skin. Whether you’re a movie star – or not (as most of us aren’t), you need to feel comfortable with yourself in order to really connect with another person.
  • Listen. What are the woman’s interests? What does she care about? How can you relate to that from what you are interested in and care about? Be curious. Build conversation from what she cares about, and from what she is saying in the moment.
  • Make eye contact. Smile. Be present.

This was the essence of what he said. Now, of course, he is someone who comes across as fundamentally accepting himself, seems generally pretty relaxed, laid back, confident, and comfortable in his own skin. He seems interested in other people, listens to them, and is a good communicator. And, from my perspective, these attributes – although incredibly important – are not always easy for a man to have, depending on his particular upbringing, experience, and history. My date also noted that if a man has trouble relaxing, does not feel confident or comfortable, or lacks good communication or conversational skills, doing some work on himself may be a good idea. (And I hope this Web site will help both men and women with these and other skills!) But attaining those attributes or skills is not some kind of “overnight quick fix – just follow these seven easy steps – add water and stir.” I’d like to add these things which are important to ME when I’m dating a man:

  • I appreciate a man “taking charge” without “taking control.” More on that in a future blog post;
  • Chivalry DOES matter – to me at least. See the blog post about that which is already up on this Web site; and
  • The first kiss – when, where, how – IS, actually, quite significant. More on that in another blog post as well.

I’d also like to be realistic. People get nervous on first dates – both men and women – so it seems to me it makes sense to give each other a chance – and not to expect perfect ease, confidence, relaxation, transparency, and authenticity on the first date. Realistically, both people need to get a feeling of whether someone new is worth or “safe” opening up to before showing all their cards. None of us wants to waste time or emotional energy. And noone enjoys rejection. So, guys, don’t bust yourself if you’re not completely, totally relaxed, funny, and confident when you’re going out with, or approaching, someone new. (And women, please give the guys a chance!) After all, any man is only human. And it is also true that practice, although it doesn’t make you perfect, definitely makes you better.

*** What do YOU think a man needs to do to be successful with a woman on a date? I’d love to hear your ideas.

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